AUNTIE PEARL

Hang on while a crisis demands your lover's attention

by Amy Rubin

Dear Auntie Pearl:

Anybody reading this will probably think I'm a cold-hearted bastard, but I have to get this off my chest.

My lover "Jim's" best friend, “Brad," was diagnosed with AIDS two months ago. He's Jim's first friend with it, and Jim totally flipped. At first, I understood. I've lost three friends in four years. I know what it's like. Jim began spending all his free time with Brad. Jim would get home after I was in bed, and barely had time to discuss bills and groceries with me before leaving in the morning. He started to look exhausted.

When our annual vacation week got closer, and Jim said he couldn't leave Brad, I had to say something. I explained that now is the time to enjoy our time, while Brad is healthy, and that Jim can't keep up this pace for what could be years of Brad's life.

Well, all hell broke loose. Jim accused me of everything from being callous to being afraid of Brad's illness. Auntie Pearl, I've administered to three friends' lengthy illnesses; held hands, called ambulances, planned funerals, dialed parents. I'm hardly afraid. If anything, I'm tired, and I understand the importance of living while we can.

Instead of learning from my experience, Jim won't listen. He won't talk to a counselor, his family, or other friends about Brad. It's been weeks since we've spent time together. I can't keep our relationship together by myself. So there's nothing to do but watch our relationship fall apart. I'm not writing for advice, because I know there's no way around this problem. I just needed to write this out. Maybe it will help one of your other readers. Thanks for being there.

Dear Reader:

A Reader

Auntie's nieces and nephews do not simply watch a relationship fall apart. This is nothing more than the "worse" of "for better or worse." That means you must give more and expect less. Of course you're tired, but your beauty rest will have to wait.

So you're convinced that Jim is exhibiting a fine array of therapeutically incorrect behaviors. Bully for Jim. Let him. Leave him notes of encouragement. When he stops feeling pressure from you, he'll start reaching out on his own. Until then, keep busy. See friends. Take a vacation alone. Run the house your way for a while. Now's the time to paint over the wallpaper Jim insisted onn-he's in no state to notice. This is the stuff that strengthens relationships, dear Reader. Be a friend to Jim now so you can have your lover back later. You've had too many losses. Auntie will not stand by and let you lose Jim also.

Dear Auntie Pearl:

In the past year, my lover of five years, "Jenny" has gone from fit to fat. She used to have a volleyball game every week, and she'd go to the gym regularly. She'd also make big organic vegetarian meals with me. Now she hardly wants to do anything but rent videos and eat junk food. I figure this is her option, but the truth is I'm not attracted to her this way. I know I'm politically incorrect, but I can't help it.

We used to have great sex, and not just in the infatuation stage. But now I have detailed fantasies about all the jocks I see around town. I'd never break up our home over sex, but I'm more worried about this all the time. It would be selfish and useless to just tell Jenny I don't find her attractive. I have to find a way to live with this. How do I do that without letting on?

Dear S.J.:

Shallow Jerk

Darling, there are no secrets in the bedÁs room. sure as I'm your favorite auntie, Jenny knows she doesn't flip your flannel nightie like she used to. If Jenny's new weight did not accompany a lifestyle change, we might assume that she is simply maturing into her body. But Auntie suspects there is more to this than natural physical blossoming. It is your job to find out the facts.

Forget your guilt. Think about Jenny. What's different about this year? How does she feel about herself? About her life? About you? It's time to reacquaint yourself with your lover.

Romance this woman. Auntie doesn't care if you want to or not. Depending on finances, take her to Aruba, or shut off the TV for a week. Once you two break free of your daily routine, you'll remember why you fell in love with her, and she'll let you know if anything's troubling her. If the vacation goddess' inagic doesn't fix this, it will be couples' counselor time.

And for Auntie's sake, don't kick yourself for noticing pretty things. Fantasies are healthy and fun as long as they don't demand a monogamous commitment.

AMES

Fmunet Book 1974

1994

tori

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